Good morning, ladies and gentleladies, sit down and prepare your delicate ears as I tell you a HARROWING tale of friendship and … well … cats! You see, your ship, the best ship of all, the USS Friend… er, Ship… was joy cruising through the oceans without a care in the world. All friends and mirth and merry until a HUGE STORM that was all wizoOOO WIZOOOOO WIZIIZZZOOOOOO decided to put an end to the festivities. And now here you are, stranded on an island, held captive by some very irritated cats, hideous adorable abominations, with their fangs and their beautiful fur and razor sharp fangteeth, being forced to solve puzzles and brave deadly obstacles for their feline amusement. And what’s worse, not that there is anything worse than irritated cats, but what’s truly worse if you ignore the cats that I mentioned to ignore because nothing is worse than cats is that your BEST FRIEND HATTY has been forced to run the joint! Well perhaps run may be a strong word. It is in fact a very strong word, but in this case a tad bit strong as he just sits there. Maybe he’s a more hands off kinda manager, you know? A hands off, eyes off, constantly crying, sorta… slouched in his chair kinda manager. A REAL GO GETTER. Just as productive as one can be, but certainly not making your lives any easier. Oh well! I guess you’ll just need to buckle your pants and find a way out of this twisted place!
Woooh, don’t get ahead of yourself, my bodacious friend. We all want to save Hatty, but do you think it is wise to run into this circuitous cat conundrum on an empty stomach? I certainly hope you didn’t forget about the CRAZY DEATH SPIKES and the POOLS OF ACID SO STRONG IT’LL MELT THE PEE STAINS OFF YOUR PEE STAINED TROUSERS. Why, you may pee yourself just thinking about it! You need to prepare! I don’t quite know what sort of cooking amenities they have around here, but you know what they say! When life gives you a butt, you best make yourself a butt salad and ask life why it couldn’t give you something nice like some buttery popcorn or a jar of melted butter or really anything else. But your butt is what you have, and the butt must go on! Or at least that’s what they say. Don’t look at me, they said it! Perhaps you could write them a letter and ask them where they have heard their strange tales and riddles that they are so fond of repeating. It certainly wouldn’t bother me any! But enough fiddlesticks, onward to Hatty I say!!
You didn’t think I was going to actually make you serve a butt, did you? Just who do you think I am? Some kinda… cruel… butt server? Spwooooof to that, I say! And I did! But we’ve got butt salad to make nonetheless, so let’s set our spwooooofing to the side and carry on with this creative cuisine! Get some hamburger buns or something, I don’t know. They look like butts, right? I mean, not your butt. Your butt looks fantastic! But these buns will have to do for now.
With half of our butt salad equation filled in, what is a salad without some salad! Why, it would be just a butt! And we already have one of those, so why stop there? Get some lettuce and place it delicately in a bowl or plate like you would a baby that just soiled itself and you’d rather not get any baby on yourself. We are definitely not making a baby salad. Need I remind you of the last time someone tempted that? It was horrible, HORRIBLE I say! There was horror everywhere! Every surface was covered in horr… well we have our lettuce placed, correct? Excellent!
Place your buns on the lettuce. Your hamburger buns, please. Oh dear, not again!
Yeah, that’ll do! Splendid!
You are right, person reading this recipe, we DO need a delicious liquidy beverage to wash this butt salad down our throats. But just where are we going to find a throat liquid delicious enough to match the seasoned perfection of our butt salad? You did season it, right? Oh dear, I am pretty sure I told you to season it. Well, too late now, we shall carry on! Find some rich buttery sustenance and put it in a jar, I suppose.
Now MELT THE BUTTERY GOODNESS out of that butter! Really let it have it! Oh, but do be careful. You wouldn’t want a microwave covered in butter, would you? I know I wouldn’t! And I don’t even own a microwave! Isn’t that strange?
Well that looks just perfect. Gather up your friends and share this marvelous delight with everyone you can see. It’ll be butt salads as far as the eyes can see, and not a single stomach empty!
MARVELOUSLY WRITTEN. I applaud you! OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS!